So I was laying here, about to take a nap when an old worship song came on and I instantly started missing the ministry I used to be a part of years back. Nostalgia tends to hit me every so often and I miss old days. But two things caught my attention. One was that the worship song shouldn't remind me of what I was doing, but Who I was doing it for! So I tried to get my heart right and then the second thing popped up. I looked out of my window and can see at least 10 children I have the honor and privledge to serve for my God. I also looked out and remembered, yeah those old days were great, but what I get to do now is pretty awesome!!! So then I start thinking about how God works and how he brought me to this place and a memory from my childhood popped into my head. Do you remember those old commercials where Sally somebody with big hair asks you to send money to help starving children and then it cuts to adorable distended bellied babies? I distinctly remember seeing those commercials as a child and in my mind I saw myself personally handing canned food to that old man or child. It didn't click anything for me, I didn't think as a child, oh that is what I'm going to do, or anything, but even as a child, my mind went straight to- doing it directly, not sending Sally money to do it. It makes me wonder now if even from a child God was planting things in me to guide me to where I would end up. I mean I know He does but it's just wild to me to actually think of one that at the time didn't have any real meaning to me, but to think of it now and what my, goodness, 8 year old self pictured. I guess I just think that is kinda neat. Not sure why I wanted to write about it, but here it is!

Aunt Lynn Grabe

My Aunt Lynn is gone. Of course she will always be in my heart but right now I am dealing with the fact that I will not see her anymore. The woman who did my hair and makeup for all sorts of events, the woman who taught me how to play solitaire, the woman whose hairstyles probably shaped the world! I miss her. I miss doing puzzles until three o'clock in the morning with her. I miss laughing with her. I miss that chimney-smoking, shit-talking, amazing, loving woman. Thinking about her life and who she is, the thing I always come back to is when I was a kid. Whenever I was sick she would come over and bring me a coloring book or some candy, she cares for people and loves them in such a beautiful way. Because as a child it was "cool, toys!" And as an adult I know it was "hey I love you and I hate that you feel bad" She is a very important person in my life, she helped form who I am, even my name! I don't know if she knew how important she was in my life, but I hope so. I'm so thankful for the month I had with her at Christmas, it was such a blessing to me, reconnecting with her. I had already started to mourn the old days of playing at her house and trips to the coast. That time gave me new memories and joy with her, even through the hardships of cancer. And another chance to cuss at blue puzzle pieces together. That woman amazes me, she is the only person I know that kicked cancer's butt in the way that it became an additive to her life, not a detraction. I don't know how to deal with the finality of this. The fact that I am not to have another single moment with her. But I know what I do have is precious, the memory of moments shared together, laughter and love,  and so much fun. Vitamin c and fake hot dogs. Costume jewelry and makeup, the pod to the peas, Halloween parties and Christmas pajamas. Bedazzled and beautiful! Hanging out at mine and yours, the movie store, and trips to waycross.  Some of the things I treasure. I love you Aunt Lynn.

Where do you draw the line between honor your father and mother, and protect yourself from your father or mother?? This is one that has plagued me since I got here. In the states I thought the answer was easy- you abuse your kid we do everything we can to get the kid out and you go to jail. But here? Where would I put all the children from my school alone whose parents mistreat them? I work with the parents, I try to show them another way, but what do you tell a child? What to I say to a young man I find sleeping on my porch because his mama came at him with a knife? Lord please give me wisdom.

Contrast

Contrast. It seems it takes contrast to really bring truth to light. Even that, there has to be the dark for the light to shine in. Why does it take death to more fully appreciate life? Or maybe that is why there is death, so we can appreciate life. As I sit here watching a whole community of people morn the loss of a man who was a husband, son, father, pastor, and leader in the community of Bohoc, I am flooded with thoughts of life and death and the finality and sorrow, and beauty and love in it all. It makes me think of the demonstration of putting a frog in warm water and slowly heating it versus putting it in hot water. Why someone did this to make this example I don't know. But how often in life are we that same frog. If something in our life suddenly comes about, like the hot water, we react- jump out of that mess. But if we are slowly heated, we may not even notice what is happening until we are boiling. This happens in both positive and negative ways. The way I think of it now, is with how we love others. How we can tend to take people for granted until we are all the sudden faced with losing them or all the sudden realize we have already lost them due to negligence or a lack of showing with our lives what we feel in our hearts. Hein and I talked about when things are left unsaid. About how sad it is when a father never let's his son know how proud of him he is. Or a friend never gets the chance to forgive the other for words said in anger. God really knew what He was talking about when He said don't let the sun go down on your anger. And I don't mean that in a- let fear of what could happen dictate your actions but instead that LOVE would dictate our actions. Because whatever that thing was we were hurt or mad about, is it more important than Love? I want to live my life this way, I want my love to show stronger than any other part of me. Love looks many ways to many people. It's a tricky thing sometimes. The father that works all day to provide for his family, it is out of love- but how does it get interpreted? He doesn't care because he isn't present. Or the mom that nags and nags- what she is trying to communicate is -I want the best for you- and in turn gets communicated- you can't do anything right. Love is so easy and so complex all at the same time. I don't really know where I am going with all this, I just have thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart and I don't know where to put them all. Sometimes my body physically hurts because of the intensity of the love I am feeling for someone. But what use is that if they never know it? Or if I don't know how to communicate it to them. Lord, help me to show people on the outside what my heart feels on the inside.

unintended consequences-a brief intro

What would happen if being a pastor or preacher was the highest paid job in the United States? What if their salary was based on their stories of how they help the poor or the sick? What if they didn't have accountability with church funds? What if their qualifications to be a preacher were that they called themselves one? What if a preacher beat the crap out of his wife frequently and everyone knew about it?