Trip to Port for Letter of permission to travel

I thought today was a success...then I came home and translated the instructions they gave me. Now I am not sure-it's still good because i feel like I am moving in a direction, but the thing they are getting me to round up papers for is for temporary custody. If that gets me a letter of permission then that is good, but the fact that it is called temporary makes me nervous. So I decided to keep everyone posted on the events of this process so that my family can know all that I am doing to get this boy to them!!! hehe I left this morning at 5:30 on the bus and went to Port and met up with Hein's friend, who is also a police chief or something like that. He took me to the IBESR office where I asked for the letter. They said I needed this other paper, so I went to that part of the office and they gave me this list of documents I need to get temporary custody. Thankfully, i have most of these and the ones I need I HOPE will not be too hard to get. I decided to come on home to see if I could start working on them today. I got on the bus back to Gonaives and they had me sit in the front to the left of the bus driver. I flashed back to like 1st grade when I had to ride the bus home for the first time and Casey wasn't on there yet and I got scared, so the bus driver, Ms. Arthamay, let me stand behind her on the bus til Casey got on. Oddly enough, both this time and that, i was the only blanc on the bus! hehe So that was a fun adventure, chilling with the bus driver! But then there was a road block in L'Estere. SO we were sitting and sitting and waiting, and people started looking for other ways to get by. So what do I do? I walk my happy self through town in the middle of a manifestation. I have to tell you though, it was not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. Long stretches of nothing, then a line of rocks on the road, then a bus parked in the middle of the road. Then another line of rocks. Then a few more trucks blocking the road. Then a few people with branches, a few people with their faces covered, and a lot of people walking the opposite way as I was. Then a line of tires and a few broken bottles and a line of logs. And that was it. I saw one guy throw one bottle on the ground and that was it. I kinda thought it was lame. Anyways, then I hopped on a tap-tap and headed back to Gonaives. There I started working on these papers I need and every place said--tomorrow morning! So I have appointments at 8, 9, and 10 tomorrow, hopefully I will get what I need and be able to get back to port in a few days to see what is next on this scavenger hunt! Thank you for the prayers! We will see what tomorrow holds!

So I just read some of my old posts, no wonder they don't get many comments, I write dark stuff! What do you even say to that? I guess on here I just want to be real and raw and honest, and unfortunately that brings up some of the darkness of this place and some of the darkness in me. I am just so thankful that I serve a God of light that continually fights that darkness and amazing people around me who battle against it as well!

The upcoming part

So I was supposed to tell you what has been going on and what is coming up and I totally didn't even get to the-what's coming up part. So, for anyone bothering to read this, in case you didn't know, I have a kid. 5 years old, adorable, crazy little joker. God has put us together and we have been working out what being Mama and son looks like for the past couple of years. We have tried hard to exploit his cuteness on facebook--(don't worry, it's ok if you admit it) to raise funds to get him to the states for a visit with the rest of our family.(See adorable video on Facebook) and I have asked for help with it a couple of times. I realize that because he hasn't actually gotten there yet-- that could make one wonder--what's the deal?! Well the deal is getting a travel visa is a bit tricky. And I wanted to thank the people who have contributed so far to help me on the road to letting my little man meet his Papa Nic(my daddy). So far that money has gotten Youvendjy's passport, birth certificate, other paperwork I need to let the people know I do live here, a VISA appointment, and things like that. I just felt that I should put that out there because, in case you don't know, one of the hardest parts of doing what I do is being willing to take other people's money to get to do the things I get to do here. So that being said, it is really important to me for people to know that I really appreciate the support ya'll have shown Youv and I and I am trying very hard to make the best use of how ya'll invest in me and I really appreciate your support and prayers in allowing me the honor of introducing my son to all of my family stateside. So the coming up part is that I have a VISA appointment on August 1st. So I ask for your prayers for God's will to be done if it is the right timing for Youv to get to visit. I am nervous about the interview because I am not a good communicator, especially not in that setting, but I know that God has the power to do what He wants, and I ask for your prayers in it. Thank you so much, I am so excited even about the possibility of my worlds colliding and my son getting to meet the incredible people I have in my life.

Long Overdue

Ok Mrs. Shelby, you convicted me!!! Hehehe, and you too Hein! And you too Julie, and you too Kathy, and probably many others! So here I am! I had almost forgotten the password to this thing because it had been so long. What to they say about good intentions? Anyway, oh as usual there is just SO MUCH. I even have the sweatshirt to prove it, thanks to Casey! So here is the quick run down on what's been going on in my world and what is coming up. As usual, both good and bad flood the days. As I come back here I am reminded of my theme of beauty for ashes and that is definitely what I have been seeing here lately. Had some heart breaking times with people I care about, people I considered friends have made money more important than this community, but I know they see it completely different. Then in the middle of that I got sick. Surprise surprise, because God seems to show Himself greatest while I have my head over a toilet, bucket, or just the ground! (the cause of that being bacteria not spirits in case anyone is wondering) unless we mean spiritual spirits and then I don't know. . . wow that could go off somewhere different, Anyway, so I get sick, and as my usual stubborn self, I don't want to bother anyone. But thankfully Julie shows up and takes Youv off my hands (mad props to single mothers when they are sick? How do you do it??) Thank you to Julie, girl got peed on twice and heard uh-uuh probably seven zillion times. Then Natacha(Malta), Paulette, and Kimley's Mama saw me, told me my "face was broken" and proceeded to see what they could do for me. They were very much not a fan of me staying by myself and of me walking around the house without shoes on, but they went and got me ice, and helped me with some things around the house and told me they could come check on me later. And they did this time another lady came with them, I hate to say but I can't remember her name right now. Most adults to me are called --mama of__whichever child of their's I have in school__ not because I don't want to know, but there are a lot of people around here! Anyway, they got me some more ice and made sure I was ok. and said they would be back in the morning. The next day Brian sees me and apparently I looked like crap! So he sends me in to Cody and they spend the next two days taking care of me, fans, cold drinks, couch, thank you both for everything. So already starting to renew my faith in people(it gets smashed almost daily! hehe) and then BAM-- Malta tells me that her daughter, Tcheventchina, who is in our school, stopped everyone in the house and made them pray for me to get better. This is the one that barely talks. And maybe it should be normal for the kids you work with to want to pray for you, but man, I cried. Cause this wasn't done for show in front of class, or to me, but in her home, with her family, wanting to talk to the Lord on my behalf. And forget it being about me, most of our kids have trouble believing they can just talk to God, but then there we go, kids are talking to God! In their own words! Not the memorized prayers that they tend to lean so heavily on. And that my friends is not any of our doing, that is God working in this place even when I forget that He is bigger than all the issues of this community. So if that wasn't enough, blown away again this morning. Dieunide and Emmanuella came over and Dieunide told me about her son, Simon(Moise) getting a bible out and quieting the family down to pray. She said even though he can't read he was saying verses and verses. Then he asked God to help me heal so I would be ready for when school starts back and to give satan whatever sickness that was. And then, his little sister Magdala(Angela) apparently started talking and he told her to be quiet because Jesus was in this place! So thank you Lord, and all these people, for reminding me of the immense beauty there is in this place.

Ashes

So I stopped writing. I don't know if this is a momentary return or the start of a change, but I know that there is stuff in my head and for some reason this is where I came to unload it. I had stopped writing I believe because somewhere I went from seeing God giving beauty for ashes to the ashes burning so much in my eyes that I could no longer see the beauty. I still knew it was there, but couldn't see it so didn't know what to write about. Seems wrong to write about all the hurt and hardship until I am ready to acknowledge the beauty as well. Because i know it's there. So I just stopped. Well that plus becoming a mama also takes up about a million more hours of your time! hehe But as I sat at my desk this morning, I found it funny that God brought understanding to me from the same book of the Bible that I had found backup for when I was only seeing the ashes. Ecclesiastes. This book was the fuel for my flame in this, what's the point? no matter what you do, things won't change, life hurts and that is it. I tend to be all or nothing in what I do, so the idea of somewhere in between is hard for me. Or maybe black and white is better- right and wrong. But the problem with that is, that isn't how God operates. The point is to be with Him, so we can't have a rule book, we have the Holy Spirit. So an answer that is right, may only be right right now, and may be only be right for one person. "There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to run away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. The right answer changes for each new situation as the Holy Spirit guides us. God purposely made it so that we can't make up a playbook that shows us how to do life. Because that would ruin the point, relationship with Him. So I don't even remember where i was going with this, I believe what happened was that I got news today which blew lots of ashes in my eyes, and I wanted to call out to the beauty God gives. I want to remember it and find it even in the midst of the hurt. So I wanted to "say things outloud" My first thought was God-- why did you take one of our good mamas? And then it hit me, cause the ones that aren't good need more time here to find You. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it reminds me of what we are doing and why. My heart is still broken for the boys that lost their mama yesterday, but I can also rejoice in the time they had with her and who she has helped them to become so far. Lord please take care of these boys.

Long time coming

My mind is flowing again. It hasn’t done this in a while. It’s like the darkness around me has engulfed this part of me. But now its reopening. Why am I spurting and ramming? I only have two speeds, nothing and going so fast I can’t type fast enough to get them all out before I lose them.
Darkness
Jesus
I have two topics written down. Darkness and Jesus. But they are actually connected. I live in a spiritually dark place. I didn’t used to put much stock into spiritual battles beyond the fight of my own mind. I didn’t put any weight on the thought that a location might have more spiritual warfare than others. My mind is starting to change. Maybe it isn’t actually the location, but where the mind is at while it s in that location. I drove out of Gonaives the other day. And I was driving towards a situation that is hard, and sad, and heavy, and hurts. But driving there, I started to be able to breathe. At first it was harder to breathe, ( which can be due to the fact that I am not used to running my motorcycle wide open on a clear area) But then, I started to be able to breathe. Deeply. And fully, it was like my spirit was getting fresh air. I know there could be all kinds of reasons I felt like that, I love getting to drive and have my mind wander. I love smelling grass. I love moving fast and feeling the wind. But I also believe there was something more to it. It broke loose something in me. It opened up my view to the Lord a tiny crack wider than it has been lately. Many things have been helping that lately, visits from friends, rooftop worship, even disagreements. It has all helped me become way more aware of what I believe this darkness can do. As much as I don’t want to admit it, what I do has become hard. Not too hard, and not bad hard, but it is hard. So much of it is wading through darkness. Seeing over and over people hurting- and mostly at the hands of others. Through words, actions, selfishness, neglect, ignorance, malice, and it eats at you. It makes me question the God of the universe. Which I know is stupid—because I know He sees all of what I only have a glimpse of. And things make sense in a way I can’t even comprehend. But it doesn’t stop the questions. It doesn’t stop the hurt of what I see and feel and watch. It doesn’t erase it. And I think what has been happening is that darkness has been creeping in, and threw off my sense of direction. I have never before blamed God for the hurt in the world, never was angry at Him for what happens. I could always see His love, and it was our brokenness that caused the hurt. Until I couldn’t see it any more. I couldn’t see how this world, this life, could be an expression of love. I’m still struggling to see it. I know I am wrong, but I can’t make it fit with what I see in the world. I share in the sentiments of Solomon, struggling with the thought that the dead are better off than the living. And most fortunate of are those who were never born. For they have never seen all the evil that is done in our world. (Eccl 4:2-3) He was the wisest person in the world, and these were the thoughts he was having. (I am not going to lie, that makes me feel a little less rotten about my struggle) and the best thing I can pull out of this book is that it says, basically, God is the whole point. Everything else is meaningless. Well- to me my first thought goes, well crap—if God is the whole point, and life sucks—then how could God giving us life be an expression of love? Seems like for many that could mean it was an expression of punishment or of hate. A kid with a magnifying glass choosing the fate of ants. But on more than one occasion (it takes more than one because I am worse than the disciples when He is like—really, you still don’t get it??) He has brought it back around for me. I get an answer Solomon didn’t even get to have. Jesus. It seems so simple,that that is the answer to it all but it is. He was there from the beginning, He has seen both sides, from God and from man. And He found it worthy. What He saw from Heaven and what He saw from Earth, and He was still in. He was still willing to fight the devil and man to get back to the Father. He found both God and man worthy to fight for. I can’t trust my own thoughts over the one who has seen all of that. It’s still hard, when I look into the face of the hurting, and I don’t mean kids without shoes or people with hungry bellies. I mean people whose hearts are crushed by the darkness in the world. I mean the powerlessness and helplessness and hopelessness. It’s still hard. But then I look back at Jesus. He felt all those things. He had the weight of each and every person, but He still said, I will drink from this cup. And I don’t mean, ok, he was willing to die, I mean He was willing to fight with the people to show them what they were missing, I mean He was willing to wrestle with the devil and was willing to be stripped of His power and title for the sake of bringing us to the Father that He knows. That He has and is spending eternity with and hasn’t gotten bored of! My picture of the Father is fuzzy because my mind can’t contain all that He is, but Jesus, Jesus was flesh and bone, and although I can’t fully know Him either, He is my bridge to the Father. Not only by His death and sacrifice, but also by His heart desiring it. When you see it all and still desire the Father, it puts the holes in my logic that I need and desperately want.

Love

Yesterday was a beautiful thing. It didn’t start out so well, the night before my body decided to start exploding from both ends. Between that, the fever, aches, mosquitoes, and weird dreams, it made for one long night. But as usual, God takes something not so great and teaches me through it as well as turns it into something incredible. So therefore, I can do nothing but thank the Lord for when my body revolts against me because I know there is something to be gained from it. So on with the story, I wake up yesterday morning, and needless to say am not feeling my best. So I make a call to Tia, asking her and Julie to take care of the things needed that morning for school. They happily pick up my slack and take care of all the needs of the school, allowing me to rest and recover. Thank you to you both for all your hard work, everyday that you put in! Ok, it just keeps getting better and better- as I am writing this a few of my students have come upstairs to tell me that they have been praying for me to get better. (I sat out most of today too, what a pansy!) Ok, and now they just prayed for me on the porch. They are so incredible!! Of course they didn’t listen to me and are Still on my porch instead of going downstairs, but , what can I say, they are a rowdy bunch!! Oh, they make my heart so happy. They are now sticking their faces under my door to tell me they love me and that they did good work today! Yes this is a ploy not to have to go downstairs, but still. . .
So back to yesterday. I am laying down in the clinic, being kind of pitiful, and some of the Mamas and Grandmamas that I work with stick their heads in and check on me. Shelove’s Grandmama tells me it breaks her heart to see me sick. She asks if there is anything she can do and tells me that someone needs to bathe me and put me in clean clothes. I assure her that I am ok, so she doesn’t come back until later to offer to bathe me herself! (which I politely decline) At least three others come to tell me what I should eat and drink and do to feel better, all trying to offer whatever they can to lessen my “suffering”. At some point in the day I hear “ don’t worry, I don’t think she is going to die.”(still not sure what to make of that part) I finally move upstairs to rest some more, the explosions having stopped for a while, and then I wake up that afternoon to find at least 4 women on my porch, washing my clothes and dishes, sweeping my porch, cleaning anything and everything they can get their hands on. After the disorientation wears off, I realize what is happening, and my heart just wants to burst. They love me. They care about me. We are a family. We fight and fuss and love and protect and serve and do life together. Emmanuella, Dieunide, Meloo, Jil, these are four of my sisters, four of my sisters that I take for granted more often than I appreciate them. But these past two days, they have loved on me like I have never wronged them. They loved on me as they would their own sick child. I am still processing this, and seeing all the beauty in it, but one thing I know is that its official, getting sick has restored my faith in the adult population. So often I get frustrated and jaded by adults, offering them little or no grace, even though with children it comes out almost freely(to a point!) I know that mostly it is my own sin that doesn’t see the good in adults, only the flaws. But times like these, when I am forced/allowed/able to see the good, the love, the compassion of the adults, it restores what I so quickly disregard and reminds me that it is me that needs a change in attitude. Mr. Watson came and checked on me today. I am harder on him than any person I know here, and he still came and checked on me. I know that nothing about this life is about me, but God sure does use personal things to show me who He is and the beauty of His children.