Aunt Lynn Grabe

My Aunt Lynn is gone. Of course she will always be in my heart but right now I am dealing with the fact that I will not see her anymore. The woman who did my hair and makeup for all sorts of events, the woman who taught me how to play solitaire, the woman whose hairstyles probably shaped the world! I miss her. I miss doing puzzles until three o'clock in the morning with her. I miss laughing with her. I miss that chimney-smoking, shit-talking, amazing, loving woman. Thinking about her life and who she is, the thing I always come back to is when I was a kid. Whenever I was sick she would come over and bring me a coloring book or some candy, she cares for people and loves them in such a beautiful way. Because as a child it was "cool, toys!" And as an adult I know it was "hey I love you and I hate that you feel bad" She is a very important person in my life, she helped form who I am, even my name! I don't know if she knew how important she was in my life, but I hope so. I'm so thankful for the month I had with her at Christmas, it was such a blessing to me, reconnecting with her. I had already started to mourn the old days of playing at her house and trips to the coast. That time gave me new memories and joy with her, even through the hardships of cancer. And another chance to cuss at blue puzzle pieces together. That woman amazes me, she is the only person I know that kicked cancer's butt in the way that it became an additive to her life, not a detraction. I don't know how to deal with the finality of this. The fact that I am not to have another single moment with her. But I know what I do have is precious, the memory of moments shared together, laughter and love,  and so much fun. Vitamin c and fake hot dogs. Costume jewelry and makeup, the pod to the peas, Halloween parties and Christmas pajamas. Bedazzled and beautiful! Hanging out at mine and yours, the movie store, and trips to waycross.  Some of the things I treasure. I love you Aunt Lynn.

Where do you draw the line between honor your father and mother, and protect yourself from your father or mother?? This is one that has plagued me since I got here. In the states I thought the answer was easy- you abuse your kid we do everything we can to get the kid out and you go to jail. But here? Where would I put all the children from my school alone whose parents mistreat them? I work with the parents, I try to show them another way, but what do you tell a child? What to I say to a young man I find sleeping on my porch because his mama came at him with a knife? Lord please give me wisdom.

Contrast

Contrast. It seems it takes contrast to really bring truth to light. Even that, there has to be the dark for the light to shine in. Why does it take death to more fully appreciate life? Or maybe that is why there is death, so we can appreciate life. As I sit here watching a whole community of people morn the loss of a man who was a husband, son, father, pastor, and leader in the community of Bohoc, I am flooded with thoughts of life and death and the finality and sorrow, and beauty and love in it all. It makes me think of the demonstration of putting a frog in warm water and slowly heating it versus putting it in hot water. Why someone did this to make this example I don't know. But how often in life are we that same frog. If something in our life suddenly comes about, like the hot water, we react- jump out of that mess. But if we are slowly heated, we may not even notice what is happening until we are boiling. This happens in both positive and negative ways. The way I think of it now, is with how we love others. How we can tend to take people for granted until we are all the sudden faced with losing them or all the sudden realize we have already lost them due to negligence or a lack of showing with our lives what we feel in our hearts. Hein and I talked about when things are left unsaid. About how sad it is when a father never let's his son know how proud of him he is. Or a friend never gets the chance to forgive the other for words said in anger. God really knew what He was talking about when He said don't let the sun go down on your anger. And I don't mean that in a- let fear of what could happen dictate your actions but instead that LOVE would dictate our actions. Because whatever that thing was we were hurt or mad about, is it more important than Love? I want to live my life this way, I want my love to show stronger than any other part of me. Love looks many ways to many people. It's a tricky thing sometimes. The father that works all day to provide for his family, it is out of love- but how does it get interpreted? He doesn't care because he isn't present. Or the mom that nags and nags- what she is trying to communicate is -I want the best for you- and in turn gets communicated- you can't do anything right. Love is so easy and so complex all at the same time. I don't really know where I am going with all this, I just have thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart and I don't know where to put them all. Sometimes my body physically hurts because of the intensity of the love I am feeling for someone. But what use is that if they never know it? Or if I don't know how to communicate it to them. Lord, help me to show people on the outside what my heart feels on the inside.

unintended consequences-a brief intro

What would happen if being a pastor or preacher was the highest paid job in the United States? What if their salary was based on their stories of how they help the poor or the sick? What if they didn't have accountability with church funds? What if their qualifications to be a preacher were that they called themselves one? What if a preacher beat the crap out of his wife frequently and everyone knew about it?

Trust and Wait

So I used to get annoyed when people would tell me they felt like something was God's will and then when it didn't work out then "oh no, this other thing was God's will. Because it felt to me like they were saying- this is my will, so if I say its God's will then it will have more pull. And then when it didn't happen there was no acknowledgment, that oh, maybe this was just what I wanted. But those situations usually involved dating some boy that my friend wanted to date. But now I am seeing something different. Maybe I am growing a little and being reminded more that I don't know anything and I don't need to make judgments on what people say God is telling them! And also acknowledging that it is ok to believe God is going to do something and then be wrong if the point was the belief and trust in Him. God didn't tell me that He was going to make this happen, that I would get a visa. But I felt very strongly that I needed to believe He would do it. For no other reason than how can I ask something of Him the whole time believing He won't come through. I know what I see here in Haiti makes me afraid to get my hopes up for something. Cause the let down is painful. But if I am always expecting the worst, how can I invite something better? I want to thank Grace for something she said to me the other day. She was talking about getting her house and said she would get it the next day. And I asked her if she really believed that- and her answer got my attention. She said something along the lines of yes, because what good does it do to not believe? Those weren't her exact words, her words were better but you get the point. I don't know when I turned into a cynic, I used to be excited about every good thing, thankful to God even for red lights because He could be keeping me from a wreck I don't know about down the road. I miss that in myself, and I think God has been putting multiple things in my life to help me get back to that place. One has been reading the book One thousand gifts and making a list of the ways I am seeing God and the little gifts of the day He gives me. (Thank you Kathy!) At first I was just mad at myself for losing this part of me, but now I am excited to be learning how to do it all over again because the things I have seen and felt here have changed me, and it is a beautiful part of growth to be able to continually be molded into what He wants me to be. I wanted to believe He would make this happen to open the space for Him to do it. And I have found out today that there is still a slight chance He may still do it. And if He does then I know it will have been purposed this way so that none of us could think it was anyone but God who worked it out. But regardless of what happens, I have already seen His hand in this. As I walked out of the embassy sobbing, I couldn't have imagined how the rest of my day would have gone. My brain started to go down the road of how awful this was, but the song in my head from that morning was still going- wait on the Lord oh my soul, be strong and take heart, be strong, and wait upon the Lord. And started saying over and over again, if it isn't His will then I don't want it, if it isn't His will, I don't want it. And on the motorcycle I started searching for the reasons things had gone this way. What was God working on, was this so I could have the time and space to work on an actual adoption? I was seeking to find Him in it because I knew He was there. And I went to go get ice cream. And I sat at epidor and read comments on how so many people were praying. And my first thought was, man, I have wasted all these people's prayers by asking them to focus on something that wasn't going to happen. And I fought feelings of stupidity for being "wrong" about what I thought the Lord wanted to do. But then things started changing.Because the only thing I can claim to know is that in all this God is asking me to trust Him and wait on Him. And I don't know what that means. I know that monday morning I am going to try and go get the papers and see if something still happens from there. And maybe that is part of why I feel so good, because there is still a sliver of hope but I don't think that is what it is. I feel so good right now because I feel the hand of God in the way I have been loved and supported today by my family in Christ. And that may sound cheesy but it is no exaggeration. I expected to be on the floor crying for the rest of the day, and instead I have read this screen and felt closer to the body than I have in a while. And I realize that that alone is enough. The love and comfort I have received today has been so holy. And I realized that if anyone, any one person got anything out of this today, drew closer to the Lord in any way, then it was worth it, and I would do it all again. Because it's not about me, it is about us, us and the Lord. And He is enough for me and He is enough for you. Thank you all so very much, I can't even describe it. I love you all