So, many people know that one of the issues I deal with is depression. For some it comes as a shock because they see the goofy kid running around acting stupid and laughing, they don’t think that it’s possible. For others, they don’t believe depression exists, it’s just being sad and people should get over it. Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, I don’t know what goes on in their heads completely, but I know what goes on in mine and sometimes it is a dark, dark place. Maybe no darker than anyone else’s, but for me it has been hard battles to fight. A year ago, heck, a week ago I would have been terrified to do what I am about to do and talk about the things I am learning about the struggles in my mind. But, because of what I am learning, I am realizing that hiding it doesn’t help, it doesn’t make it not real, it doesn’t make me more normal, the only thing hiding does is create distance between myself and other people. I have been wanting to blog recently, to keep people posted on what’s going on here, but the truth is that the majority of what I am learning and working on at the moment has mostly to do with the thoughts in my head and friendships and community. I could tell about the school and about the feeding program, but it would feel kind of deceitful because if I am to talk about what God is doing—what I see right now is all happening in my little brain! Don’t get me wrong, God is doing AMAZING things here and with the children and the people. But He kind of has me at this point of where- I gotta figure some of this mess out so I can operate out of a more whole, healthy place. The fact is I will never get it perfect, but the more a “missionary” can get their own baggage out of the way, the more space there is for God to work. So apparently, God has been dragging out my baggage and saying, ok, its time to get rid of this, and examine this, and so forth. So, needless to say, this is a painful, yet beautiful time of growth in my life, and one of the main lessons in it has been about truth and lies. So I figure that if I am seeking out truth, and seeking to be truthful, then that means I have to throw this stuff out there, whether I want to or not! And God first made/allowed me to do that at a youth group in Brunswick. If anyone has ever heard me speak in the US, they will know that it is not a pretty site, between nerves, ADD, and just lack of storytelling skills, it just is a hard thing for me to do. But God had been working on me about some stuff and it all fell into place that I should go and talk to them—so I did, and here is kind of what it looked like.


Confessions of a “missionary”
The more I learn and experience the more I learn how much I suck at life. That isn’ t a statement to envoke- “oh no you don’t, you are great!” What that is, to me, is a simplified version of the verse in Revelation where it talks about how We don’t realize that we are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. But then Jesus goes on to say some more but we will go there later. (3:17-19) Honestly, I usually kind of hide from revelation cause I have always thought of it as this stuff about the future and I have enough to figure out in this moment, that I kind of shied away from it. It actually wasn’t until today, faced with the scariness of being up in front of 80 English speaking people that I even found this verse. But I found it because the word “WRETCHED” has been on my heart lately. And I want to share these thoughts I have been having because when I thought of what talking to you might look like, it kind of felt like tonight could be called confessions of a missionary. Which I believe is God ordained, because the things He has been teaching me are the kind of things that I would need to confess, not things I could bounce up here and be proud of. I could talk for days about the incredible things I have seen in Haiti and the people and the poverty, but from what I hear of you guys it sounds like you already get that. Many of you already have the heart for the people and for serving and for loving. And let me tell you that is so exciting and beautiful, because that goes against what much of our culture promotes. So tonight I want to do something I have never done before. I want to come before you broken and exposed. I want to tell you what it feels like to be wretched.
This word, like I said, has been on my heart for a few days, or maybe weeks I am not sure. And the place I think I have been thinking about it from is in Romans 7 “I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable(wretched) person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The Answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is. In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.”
I was extremely blessed growing up that I didn’t struggle with things like drugs or alcohol or sex. Actually I kind of thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t have this great turn around story that showed God’s power. What I didn’t know was that my confessions wouldn’t be about how I used to do drugs and then God turned my life around. My confessions look more like the fact that I thought I knew what it looked like to love people and the more I learn, the more flaws I find. I guess I always thought that love is love and you just do it. But the past month or so my focus has been on doing things WELL. Not just doing things, but doing them well. Because I am learning there is a big difference between having community, and having community WELL. Between doing school, and doing school WELL. What I have been doing in my life I believe has been love, but I haven’t been loving people WELL. So it is making more and more sense to me why we have definitions of love in Corinthians, because you actually can mess it up if you aren’t really focused on what it should look like. And that is just one of the lessons God is teaching me. The truth is the more time I spend on the mission field, the more ways I see that I mess things up and sometimes Christians in general mess things up. Because every second I try to work out of my own power, I get in the way of God’s (which we all know is NOT a good plan!) And even when I am trying to work out of His power, we are broken and flawed which means a great deal of the time we will be learning from our mistakes even more than what we do right. And I will be honest, that is a painful way to learn. But its real and it ‘s beautiful because being broken for Jesus beats being whole for myself any day. And being in the will of the Lord, no matter what that puts us through, creates a joy and a peace that is even bigger than the struggles. But the struggles do exist. I know at least for me, I was ready to jump in head first to serving the Lord and was frustrated when I felt like I wasn’t getting where I thought I should be fast enough. It took I think about two years after I finished College for God to let me go overseas. I was pushing and pushing, trying to find out where I was supposed to go, feeling out of place where I was but not yet finding the opening to where I was headed. It wasn’t until I started the work in Haiti that I was able to look back and see the incredible, intricate journey He had taken me through. I was looking for where I belonged, had a heart for so many things but didn’t know what to do with it. So in the mean time I had multiple different jobs, not really related, but like I said, when I look back now, I see how HE used each job, each role, each individual situation, to prepare me for the Work that I am doing in Haiti. He purposed those things so that it would all come together to be used in what I am doing now. Even the painful, confused times, He uses those. That is probably one of my most favorite things about the Lord- that he gives beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) That is what I have seen the most in my time in Haiti, in the midst of disasters and pain and suffering, that He does make everything Good. Sometimes that process hurts really bad, but there is no place I would rather be. Which is why that verse in Romans is not completely depressing because it says, Thank God, the answer is in Jesus Christ. The end of the story is not just the struggles, it is in the beauty He creates from them. And in the verse in revelation Jesus goes on to say” I advise you to buy gold from me-gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. And also buy white garments so you will not be shamed by your nakedness. And buy ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. I am the one who corrects and disciplines everyone I love. Be diligent and turn away from your indifference.” (3:17-19) Now I am sure we could pick out some really incredible symbolism from this scripture, but the overall picture is- we are wretched and broken but God makes us whole and new- but for me at least, this isn’t done in one fail swoop. It is in the sense of we are His so we are perfect in Him, but our lives are a process of working out that perfection and calling it out in us. And that is kind of where I am at today in my journey of seeking out who I am in Christ. And I don’t know how that translates to you, or even if it does, but thank you for listening to it, my head has been all over the place and if nothing else, you have blessed me by having me here.

So after putting this in here, this is about all I can do for the moment, so I guess I will get into the depression, lies, truth part another time, but I am working on it!!