unintended consequences-a brief intro

What would happen if being a pastor or preacher was the highest paid job in the United States? What if their salary was based on their stories of how they help the poor or the sick? What if they didn't have accountability with church funds? What if their qualifications to be a preacher were that they called themselves one? What if a preacher beat the crap out of his wife frequently and everyone knew about it?

Trust and Wait

So I used to get annoyed when people would tell me they felt like something was God's will and then when it didn't work out then "oh no, this other thing was God's will. Because it felt to me like they were saying- this is my will, so if I say its God's will then it will have more pull. And then when it didn't happen there was no acknowledgment, that oh, maybe this was just what I wanted. But those situations usually involved dating some boy that my friend wanted to date. But now I am seeing something different. Maybe I am growing a little and being reminded more that I don't know anything and I don't need to make judgments on what people say God is telling them! And also acknowledging that it is ok to believe God is going to do something and then be wrong if the point was the belief and trust in Him. God didn't tell me that He was going to make this happen, that I would get a visa. But I felt very strongly that I needed to believe He would do it. For no other reason than how can I ask something of Him the whole time believing He won't come through. I know what I see here in Haiti makes me afraid to get my hopes up for something. Cause the let down is painful. But if I am always expecting the worst, how can I invite something better? I want to thank Grace for something she said to me the other day. She was talking about getting her house and said she would get it the next day. And I asked her if she really believed that- and her answer got my attention. She said something along the lines of yes, because what good does it do to not believe? Those weren't her exact words, her words were better but you get the point. I don't know when I turned into a cynic, I used to be excited about every good thing, thankful to God even for red lights because He could be keeping me from a wreck I don't know about down the road. I miss that in myself, and I think God has been putting multiple things in my life to help me get back to that place. One has been reading the book One thousand gifts and making a list of the ways I am seeing God and the little gifts of the day He gives me. (Thank you Kathy!) At first I was just mad at myself for losing this part of me, but now I am excited to be learning how to do it all over again because the things I have seen and felt here have changed me, and it is a beautiful part of growth to be able to continually be molded into what He wants me to be. I wanted to believe He would make this happen to open the space for Him to do it. And I have found out today that there is still a slight chance He may still do it. And if He does then I know it will have been purposed this way so that none of us could think it was anyone but God who worked it out. But regardless of what happens, I have already seen His hand in this. As I walked out of the embassy sobbing, I couldn't have imagined how the rest of my day would have gone. My brain started to go down the road of how awful this was, but the song in my head from that morning was still going- wait on the Lord oh my soul, be strong and take heart, be strong, and wait upon the Lord. And started saying over and over again, if it isn't His will then I don't want it, if it isn't His will, I don't want it. And on the motorcycle I started searching for the reasons things had gone this way. What was God working on, was this so I could have the time and space to work on an actual adoption? I was seeking to find Him in it because I knew He was there. And I went to go get ice cream. And I sat at epidor and read comments on how so many people were praying. And my first thought was, man, I have wasted all these people's prayers by asking them to focus on something that wasn't going to happen. And I fought feelings of stupidity for being "wrong" about what I thought the Lord wanted to do. But then things started changing.Because the only thing I can claim to know is that in all this God is asking me to trust Him and wait on Him. And I don't know what that means. I know that monday morning I am going to try and go get the papers and see if something still happens from there. And maybe that is part of why I feel so good, because there is still a sliver of hope but I don't think that is what it is. I feel so good right now because I feel the hand of God in the way I have been loved and supported today by my family in Christ. And that may sound cheesy but it is no exaggeration. I expected to be on the floor crying for the rest of the day, and instead I have read this screen and felt closer to the body than I have in a while. And I realize that that alone is enough. The love and comfort I have received today has been so holy. And I realized that if anyone, any one person got anything out of this today, drew closer to the Lord in any way, then it was worth it, and I would do it all again. Because it's not about me, it is about us, us and the Lord. And He is enough for me and He is enough for you. Thank you all so very much, I can't even describe it. I love you all