Rain Boots

So I had to cancel school on Friday, which was sad but also a blessing! (Cause I got to go back and see my sister a little longer!) But anyways, just thought I would throw the idea out that if anyone wants to donate 42 pairs of rain boots for 5 year olds then we could still have class even when it rains!! In case you haven't seen pictures, the area around my school turns into a giant mud pit when the rain comes!

A couple of days ago a boy gave me a present. In the middle of him asking me for candy, I did what I have started to do a lot, ask for something too- he had probably half a deck of cards in his hands. He handed them over and I put them away like I was going to keep them. Being asked fifty times a day for different items, I have looked for different ways to show that just because I am here doesn't mean I need to give you something. So I thought I would hold on to the cards for a minute and see what he did. We talked and played some more, and as I started to leave I remembered the cards and tried to call him over to me to give them back. He called back for me to keep them, it was a present!!! Now I hope you can get the picture of this kid. I can always recognize him, one because I know his face and two because I have only seen him in one shirt the whole time I have been here. He never has on pants or underwear, not sure exactly where he lives but I am sure it is one of the mud/straw huts nearby. I thanked him profusely and left for the day. Then either the next day or the day after that he runs up to me and hands me five goudes- tells me its a present for me! Shortly after I find out he is the older brother of one of my students. One of my students who I am really concerned about- she came to school with a big gash on the top of her head. Turns out her mom had thrown something at her head and caused this injury. Then I found out after that that this mom dances for joy at the death of Christ, at least that is how they described her "faith" So I start getting all this information and all the more it just melts my heart that here this little boy is- with the very little that he has and he is willing to share with me. He is willing to give it away to someone that he believes is rich. It is just so humbling and beautiful.

Jubilee

I really feel that the Lord has been protecting my heart since I have been here. I haven’t felt all there is to feel because if I did it would probably completely overwhelm me. I have been able to stay focused on teaching and working on the school and somehow not break down every time I see the feeding program. But then two days ago it hit me somewhat. I hear “I’m hungry” from enough well-fed looking adults that is starts to harden me about if people are really hungry- I can assume that they really are eating. The collision of this culture and American culture has created this thought that when they see a white person, they are supposed to ask them for something. So in my efforts to fight that thought- I have not given out anything- I tell them I came to teach, not to give things. It has been hard because my desire is to give everything I have- but I am learning that giving someone something is not always helpful to them. So in this journey to seek balance between not creating beggars, and also providing for those in need, I am really struggling to know how to go about it. So up until the other day, I would not give anything, my response when asked was that everything was for the school.

But then there is Daphne. She is twelve years old. She can’t go to school because her mom doesn’t have the money, and she is too old for our classes this year. I ended up starting a whole english class because I wanted her to be getting some sort of education. Then I also started to ask her to come and help out at the school- thinking even exposure to the few things we were doing would be good, plus having extra hands in the school would be extremely helpful. Since she was helping I justified giving her and two other ladies who were helping shirts that a group had donated. The shirt was too big for Daphne but she said she would give it to her mom. A few days later it started to turn cold. There were two babies whose hands and feet were so cold so I found two more of those shirts and wrapped them in them. After that I noticed Daphne looking kind of sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was mad. Eventually I pulled it out of her that she was mad at me. I think she sees that Marvins gets special treatment because he lives with Emory and Mary, as well as Kervins. In the middle of trying to figure out why she was mad at me, Predson sticks his head under the tin and starts talking to Daphne. Predson is around five years old and is in the school. He is crying and I am trying to figure out why. I had not known that Predson and Daphne are brother and sister. He is complety naked- which is not uncommon- but it is really cold today. So I tell him to come in the school and that’s when I get it out of them that their mom is not home, and hasn’t been able to give them food for two days. FOR TWO DAYS. and here I am, not giving them any food because I don’t want to start a “problem” of begging. What a jerk. What a huge jerk. I found some crackers and the left overs from an MRE and packed them up for them to take home. I put a shirt on Predson with the instructions that when he got other clothes to put on to give that shirt to Daphne. After they left I just broke down, in my compartmentalizing to protect my heart, I did not see a true need right in front of me. I know they are everywhere- and that I can’t fix everything- that so many people around me are hungry- I still don’t know what to do or how to mourn that and how to help and still be able to function here. I know I can immerse myself in my work and let it distract me completely- but I don’t want that. People need to hurt for these people, I need to share their burdens, not just enjoy all the blessings of this ministry. Twelve year olds shouldn’t have to wipe the tears from a naked five year old because he is hungry. But when it happens, some one else should hurt for them too.

But I also have to go on to say that thankfully it doesn’t end there. Our God is so big and so beautiful. As I sat here writing this, hurting all over again for them, Kervins sat down beside me and started talking about Daphne. He said that she had asked him for some of the cracker he was eating yesterday. He told me that he had said no- but then remembered that I had told him about them not eating- and then he gave her twenty Haitian dollars. Man. Thank you God. Thank you so much God!

So of course I start crying again - and Kevin, in true eleven year old fashion- decides to fart on me to make me stop crying! I guess this is how we do it Lord, we cry, we laugh, boys do disgusting things, we try our best to do what we can, we mess it up, we hurt, and we keep going, because our Hope is bigger than all of it.