Monday, December 10, 2012
Ashes
So I stopped writing. I don't know if this is a momentary return or the start of a change, but I know that there is stuff in my head and for some reason this is where I came to unload it. I had stopped writing I believe because somewhere I went from seeing God giving beauty for ashes to the ashes burning so much in my eyes that I could no longer see the beauty. I still knew it was there, but couldn't see it so didn't know what to write about. Seems wrong to write about all the hurt and hardship until I am ready to acknowledge the beauty as well. Because i know it's there. So I just stopped. Well that plus becoming a mama also takes up about a million more hours of your time! hehe But as I sat at my desk this morning, I found it funny that God brought understanding to me from the same book of the Bible that I had found backup for when I was only seeing the ashes. Ecclesiastes. This book was the fuel for my flame in this, what's the point? no matter what you do, things won't change, life hurts and that is it. I tend to be all or nothing in what I do, so the idea of somewhere in between is hard for me. Or maybe black and white is better- right and wrong. But the problem with that is, that isn't how God operates. The point is to be with Him, so we can't have a rule book, we have the Holy Spirit. So an answer that is right, may only be right right now, and may be only be right for one person.
"There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to run away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
The right answer changes for each new situation as the Holy Spirit guides us. God purposely made it so that we can't make up a playbook that shows us how to do life. Because that would ruin the point, relationship with Him. So I don't even remember where i was going with this, I believe what happened was that I got news today which blew lots of ashes in my eyes, and I wanted to call out to the beauty God gives. I want to remember it and find it even in the midst of the hurt. So I wanted to "say things outloud" My first thought was God-- why did you take one of our good mamas? And then it hit me, cause the ones that aren't good need more time here to find You. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it reminds me of what we are doing and why. My heart is still broken for the boys that lost their mama yesterday, but I can also rejoice in the time they had with her and who she has helped them to become so far. Lord please take care of these boys.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Long time coming
My mind is flowing again. It hasn’t done this in a while. It’s like the darkness around me has engulfed this part of me. But now its reopening. Why am I spurting and ramming? I only have two speeds, nothing and going so fast I can’t type fast enough to get them all out before I lose them.
Darkness
Jesus
I have two topics written down. Darkness and Jesus. But they are actually connected. I live in a spiritually dark place. I didn’t used to put much stock into spiritual battles beyond the fight of my own mind. I didn’t put any weight on the thought that a location might have more spiritual warfare than others. My mind is starting to change. Maybe it isn’t actually the location, but where the mind is at while it s in that location. I drove out of Gonaives the other day. And I was driving towards a situation that is hard, and sad, and heavy, and hurts. But driving there, I started to be able to breathe. At first it was harder to breathe, ( which can be due to the fact that I am not used to running my motorcycle wide open on a clear area) But then, I started to be able to breathe. Deeply. And fully, it was like my spirit was getting fresh air. I know there could be all kinds of reasons I felt like that, I love getting to drive and have my mind wander. I love smelling grass. I love moving fast and feeling the wind. But I also believe there was something more to it. It broke loose something in me. It opened up my view to the Lord a tiny crack wider than it has been lately. Many things have been helping that lately, visits from friends, rooftop worship, even disagreements. It has all helped me become way more aware of what I believe this darkness can do. As much as I don’t want to admit it, what I do has become hard. Not too hard, and not bad hard, but it is hard. So much of it is wading through darkness. Seeing over and over people hurting- and mostly at the hands of others. Through words, actions, selfishness, neglect, ignorance, malice, and it eats at you. It makes me question the God of the universe. Which I know is stupid—because I know He sees all of what I only have a glimpse of. And things make sense in a way I can’t even comprehend. But it doesn’t stop the questions. It doesn’t stop the hurt of what I see and feel and watch. It doesn’t erase it. And I think what has been happening is that darkness has been creeping in, and threw off my sense of direction. I have never before blamed God for the hurt in the world, never was angry at Him for what happens. I could always see His love, and it was our brokenness that caused the hurt. Until I couldn’t see it any more. I couldn’t see how this world, this life, could be an expression of love. I’m still struggling to see it. I know I am wrong, but I can’t make it fit with what I see in the world. I share in the sentiments of Solomon, struggling with the thought that the dead are better off than the living. And most fortunate of are those who were never born. For they have never seen all the evil that is done in our world. (Eccl 4:2-3) He was the wisest person in the world, and these were the thoughts he was having. (I am not going to lie, that makes me feel a little less rotten about my struggle) and the best thing I can pull out of this book is that it says, basically, God is the whole point. Everything else is meaningless. Well- to me my first thought goes, well crap—if God is the whole point, and life sucks—then how could God giving us life be an expression of love? Seems like for many that could mean it was an expression of punishment or of hate. A kid with a magnifying glass choosing the fate of ants. But on more than one occasion (it takes more than one because I am worse than the disciples when He is like—really, you still don’t get it??) He has brought it back around for me. I get an answer Solomon didn’t even get to have. Jesus. It seems so simple,that that is the answer to it all but it is. He was there from the beginning, He has seen both sides, from God and from man. And He found it worthy. What He saw from Heaven and what He saw from Earth, and He was still in. He was still willing to fight the devil and man to get back to the Father. He found both God and man worthy to fight for. I can’t trust my own thoughts over the one who has seen all of that. It’s still hard, when I look into the face of the hurting, and I don’t mean kids without shoes or people with hungry bellies. I mean people whose hearts are crushed by the darkness in the world. I mean the powerlessness and helplessness and hopelessness. It’s still hard. But then I look back at Jesus. He felt all those things. He had the weight of each and every person, but He still said, I will drink from this cup. And I don’t mean, ok, he was willing to die, I mean He was willing to fight with the people to show them what they were missing, I mean He was willing to wrestle with the devil and was willing to be stripped of His power and title for the sake of bringing us to the Father that He knows. That He has and is spending eternity with and hasn’t gotten bored of! My picture of the Father is fuzzy because my mind can’t contain all that He is, but Jesus, Jesus was flesh and bone, and although I can’t fully know Him either, He is my bridge to the Father. Not only by His death and sacrifice, but also by His heart desiring it. When you see it all and still desire the Father, it puts the holes in my logic that I need and desperately want.
Darkness
Jesus
I have two topics written down. Darkness and Jesus. But they are actually connected. I live in a spiritually dark place. I didn’t used to put much stock into spiritual battles beyond the fight of my own mind. I didn’t put any weight on the thought that a location might have more spiritual warfare than others. My mind is starting to change. Maybe it isn’t actually the location, but where the mind is at while it s in that location. I drove out of Gonaives the other day. And I was driving towards a situation that is hard, and sad, and heavy, and hurts. But driving there, I started to be able to breathe. At first it was harder to breathe, ( which can be due to the fact that I am not used to running my motorcycle wide open on a clear area) But then, I started to be able to breathe. Deeply. And fully, it was like my spirit was getting fresh air. I know there could be all kinds of reasons I felt like that, I love getting to drive and have my mind wander. I love smelling grass. I love moving fast and feeling the wind. But I also believe there was something more to it. It broke loose something in me. It opened up my view to the Lord a tiny crack wider than it has been lately. Many things have been helping that lately, visits from friends, rooftop worship, even disagreements. It has all helped me become way more aware of what I believe this darkness can do. As much as I don’t want to admit it, what I do has become hard. Not too hard, and not bad hard, but it is hard. So much of it is wading through darkness. Seeing over and over people hurting- and mostly at the hands of others. Through words, actions, selfishness, neglect, ignorance, malice, and it eats at you. It makes me question the God of the universe. Which I know is stupid—because I know He sees all of what I only have a glimpse of. And things make sense in a way I can’t even comprehend. But it doesn’t stop the questions. It doesn’t stop the hurt of what I see and feel and watch. It doesn’t erase it. And I think what has been happening is that darkness has been creeping in, and threw off my sense of direction. I have never before blamed God for the hurt in the world, never was angry at Him for what happens. I could always see His love, and it was our brokenness that caused the hurt. Until I couldn’t see it any more. I couldn’t see how this world, this life, could be an expression of love. I’m still struggling to see it. I know I am wrong, but I can’t make it fit with what I see in the world. I share in the sentiments of Solomon, struggling with the thought that the dead are better off than the living. And most fortunate of are those who were never born. For they have never seen all the evil that is done in our world. (Eccl 4:2-3) He was the wisest person in the world, and these were the thoughts he was having. (I am not going to lie, that makes me feel a little less rotten about my struggle) and the best thing I can pull out of this book is that it says, basically, God is the whole point. Everything else is meaningless. Well- to me my first thought goes, well crap—if God is the whole point, and life sucks—then how could God giving us life be an expression of love? Seems like for many that could mean it was an expression of punishment or of hate. A kid with a magnifying glass choosing the fate of ants. But on more than one occasion (it takes more than one because I am worse than the disciples when He is like—really, you still don’t get it??) He has brought it back around for me. I get an answer Solomon didn’t even get to have. Jesus. It seems so simple,that that is the answer to it all but it is. He was there from the beginning, He has seen both sides, from God and from man. And He found it worthy. What He saw from Heaven and what He saw from Earth, and He was still in. He was still willing to fight the devil and man to get back to the Father. He found both God and man worthy to fight for. I can’t trust my own thoughts over the one who has seen all of that. It’s still hard, when I look into the face of the hurting, and I don’t mean kids without shoes or people with hungry bellies. I mean people whose hearts are crushed by the darkness in the world. I mean the powerlessness and helplessness and hopelessness. It’s still hard. But then I look back at Jesus. He felt all those things. He had the weight of each and every person, but He still said, I will drink from this cup. And I don’t mean, ok, he was willing to die, I mean He was willing to fight with the people to show them what they were missing, I mean He was willing to wrestle with the devil and was willing to be stripped of His power and title for the sake of bringing us to the Father that He knows. That He has and is spending eternity with and hasn’t gotten bored of! My picture of the Father is fuzzy because my mind can’t contain all that He is, but Jesus, Jesus was flesh and bone, and although I can’t fully know Him either, He is my bridge to the Father. Not only by His death and sacrifice, but also by His heart desiring it. When you see it all and still desire the Father, it puts the holes in my logic that I need and desperately want.
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