Contrast

Contrast. It seems it takes contrast to really bring truth to light. Even that, there has to be the dark for the light to shine in. Why does it take death to more fully appreciate life? Or maybe that is why there is death, so we can appreciate life. As I sit here watching a whole community of people morn the loss of a man who was a husband, son, father, pastor, and leader in the community of Bohoc, I am flooded with thoughts of life and death and the finality and sorrow, and beauty and love in it all. It makes me think of the demonstration of putting a frog in warm water and slowly heating it versus putting it in hot water. Why someone did this to make this example I don't know. But how often in life are we that same frog. If something in our life suddenly comes about, like the hot water, we react- jump out of that mess. But if we are slowly heated, we may not even notice what is happening until we are boiling. This happens in both positive and negative ways. The way I think of it now, is with how we love others. How we can tend to take people for granted until we are all the sudden faced with losing them or all the sudden realize we have already lost them due to negligence or a lack of showing with our lives what we feel in our hearts. Hein and I talked about when things are left unsaid. About how sad it is when a father never let's his son know how proud of him he is. Or a friend never gets the chance to forgive the other for words said in anger. God really knew what He was talking about when He said don't let the sun go down on your anger. And I don't mean that in a- let fear of what could happen dictate your actions but instead that LOVE would dictate our actions. Because whatever that thing was we were hurt or mad about, is it more important than Love? I want to live my life this way, I want my love to show stronger than any other part of me. Love looks many ways to many people. It's a tricky thing sometimes. The father that works all day to provide for his family, it is out of love- but how does it get interpreted? He doesn't care because he isn't present. Or the mom that nags and nags- what she is trying to communicate is -I want the best for you- and in turn gets communicated- you can't do anything right. Love is so easy and so complex all at the same time. I don't really know where I am going with all this, I just have thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart and I don't know where to put them all. Sometimes my body physically hurts because of the intensity of the love I am feeling for someone. But what use is that if they never know it? Or if I don't know how to communicate it to them. Lord, help me to show people on the outside what my heart feels on the inside.

unintended consequences-a brief intro

What would happen if being a pastor or preacher was the highest paid job in the United States? What if their salary was based on their stories of how they help the poor or the sick? What if they didn't have accountability with church funds? What if their qualifications to be a preacher were that they called themselves one? What if a preacher beat the crap out of his wife frequently and everyone knew about it?

Trust and Wait

So I used to get annoyed when people would tell me they felt like something was God's will and then when it didn't work out then "oh no, this other thing was God's will. Because it felt to me like they were saying- this is my will, so if I say its God's will then it will have more pull. And then when it didn't happen there was no acknowledgment, that oh, maybe this was just what I wanted. But those situations usually involved dating some boy that my friend wanted to date. But now I am seeing something different. Maybe I am growing a little and being reminded more that I don't know anything and I don't need to make judgments on what people say God is telling them! And also acknowledging that it is ok to believe God is going to do something and then be wrong if the point was the belief and trust in Him. God didn't tell me that He was going to make this happen, that I would get a visa. But I felt very strongly that I needed to believe He would do it. For no other reason than how can I ask something of Him the whole time believing He won't come through. I know what I see here in Haiti makes me afraid to get my hopes up for something. Cause the let down is painful. But if I am always expecting the worst, how can I invite something better? I want to thank Grace for something she said to me the other day. She was talking about getting her house and said she would get it the next day. And I asked her if she really believed that- and her answer got my attention. She said something along the lines of yes, because what good does it do to not believe? Those weren't her exact words, her words were better but you get the point. I don't know when I turned into a cynic, I used to be excited about every good thing, thankful to God even for red lights because He could be keeping me from a wreck I don't know about down the road. I miss that in myself, and I think God has been putting multiple things in my life to help me get back to that place. One has been reading the book One thousand gifts and making a list of the ways I am seeing God and the little gifts of the day He gives me. (Thank you Kathy!) At first I was just mad at myself for losing this part of me, but now I am excited to be learning how to do it all over again because the things I have seen and felt here have changed me, and it is a beautiful part of growth to be able to continually be molded into what He wants me to be. I wanted to believe He would make this happen to open the space for Him to do it. And I have found out today that there is still a slight chance He may still do it. And if He does then I know it will have been purposed this way so that none of us could think it was anyone but God who worked it out. But regardless of what happens, I have already seen His hand in this. As I walked out of the embassy sobbing, I couldn't have imagined how the rest of my day would have gone. My brain started to go down the road of how awful this was, but the song in my head from that morning was still going- wait on the Lord oh my soul, be strong and take heart, be strong, and wait upon the Lord. And started saying over and over again, if it isn't His will then I don't want it, if it isn't His will, I don't want it. And on the motorcycle I started searching for the reasons things had gone this way. What was God working on, was this so I could have the time and space to work on an actual adoption? I was seeking to find Him in it because I knew He was there. And I went to go get ice cream. And I sat at epidor and read comments on how so many people were praying. And my first thought was, man, I have wasted all these people's prayers by asking them to focus on something that wasn't going to happen. And I fought feelings of stupidity for being "wrong" about what I thought the Lord wanted to do. But then things started changing.Because the only thing I can claim to know is that in all this God is asking me to trust Him and wait on Him. And I don't know what that means. I know that monday morning I am going to try and go get the papers and see if something still happens from there. And maybe that is part of why I feel so good, because there is still a sliver of hope but I don't think that is what it is. I feel so good right now because I feel the hand of God in the way I have been loved and supported today by my family in Christ. And that may sound cheesy but it is no exaggeration. I expected to be on the floor crying for the rest of the day, and instead I have read this screen and felt closer to the body than I have in a while. And I realize that that alone is enough. The love and comfort I have received today has been so holy. And I realized that if anyone, any one person got anything out of this today, drew closer to the Lord in any way, then it was worth it, and I would do it all again. Because it's not about me, it is about us, us and the Lord. And He is enough for me and He is enough for you. Thank you all so very much, I can't even describe it. I love you all

What I've been putting off feeling

In the midst of all this beauty God has been showing me over the last couple of weeks, all the favor and gifts, especially with dealing with trying to get Youv a visa, there have been two situations that I left off of these posts, probably because I wanted to focus on the good. I wanted to stay in the state of thankfulness that He is showing me I need to be in. And even though there are things to be thankful for within these two situations, I needed some time I guess before I could really think about them. And since my heart has already been broken this morning by a friend of mine, I might as well face the other hard things that I have seen recently. I have never understood how people could hurt children. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that there are people who are willing to purposely bring harm to a child. And even more so when it is the parent of a child. How they could create a little person and then refuse to protect them. When I went to the social services the other day in Port, a nurse walked in with a child who may have been 3 years old. He had some sort of handicap, although I don't know specifically what it was. On top of that he looked very sick. I rubbed his little leg, offering the little comfort I could, and the man I was with took my hand away and shook his head. As they laid him on the floor I asked about him. They said he had been abandoned the day before. Just left to die. Someone had taken him to the hospital and he had some sort of surgery on the left side of his belly. I looked down at him and his breathing looked like the breathing that comes with death. So I asked them, were they just laying him there to let him die? They said no, that they were taking him back to the hospital. They are the people responsible for children's welfare, so I had to trust that they would do the best they could for him. But there was one thing that I just couldn't get over as I left that office. I knew he was going to die but I wished so badly that someone in that office would have just held him. People die, even children die, but they should die feeling loved by at least someone, not rejected by everyone. I hope he knows that I loved him. For that brief moment that I saw him, I hope he felt my love for him. When I went back to the office a few days later I asked about him and they told me that he had died. I am glad he is in heaven now, KNOWING that he is loved. Depending on how you look at things, the second situation has a happier ending, although the fact that it even happened is enough to wreck you, or me anyway. A father to one of our students found a newborn baby abandoned in the salt flats near the ocean. He said the baby was covered in mosquitoes and had probably been there all morning. He found him around 1 in the afternoon. He took him to the hospital where they cut his umbilical cord and possibly gave him some meds. He sent someone to me to see if I had any ideas about what to do next because they gave the baby back to him. I was going to social services in Gonaives that night so I said I would ask them about it. When I went to see the baby he looked so good, so much better than I was afraid he would look. The man who found him, Mr. Nicola, had gotten another new mother to watch him and breastfeed him. We talked with the family about what we should do, I took him up to Cody to see what we thought should happen. Cody had gathered up some formula to either give to the family or to take the baby and watch him until we took him to social services if we thought his life was in danger. But we decided that the baby would be in good hands with the family so we sent them back home with the formula. The next day I talked to Jake with Coreluv if he thought they could take the baby. So we went and talked to the family and they had gone and made a paper letting know the authorities what had happened. And the judge had named the baby Ti Moyiz (Moses). So we talked with the family and decided the best thing for the child was to go to the orphanage with coreluv. They had to wait until the paperwork was worked out, but on Tuesday Ti Moyiz moved to his new home with coreluv. I talked with Cody about it again, and she was telling me about how after the baby left that night she was praying that she did the right thing, asking God to bring him back if she was supposed to keep him there, and that night God had told her that the baby's name was Moses. When she told me I assumed she already knew about the judge naming him, but she didn't. So we both sat back in awe about how God was showing us that He hadn't abandoned this child. That He was still in this. So like I said, I know in all situations He is at work, doesn't mean they don't hurt and that really bad things don't happen, but that He really is carrying us through the worst parts.

I am listening to this song-- "I give myself away, i give myself away so You can use me." Lord, please use my broken heart to help people draw closer to you. Especially the ones who break it.

Back and forth

So I didn't get to writing yesterday's adventures because I ended up falling asleep before 8pm! Also, I think I was still working out how God was using the events of that day! Because I know he is in the tough stuff too, I just wanted to see if I would find specific reasons for things in that day. So I woke up at 5 to get on the bus with my papers, and felt nauseous. I threw up a few times in the yard, and then my ride didn't show to take me to the station. Thankfully, Emory was up making coffee so I asked him if he would drive me up there, and as always he jumps at the chance to do for me, he is too good to me sometimes!! I get on the bus and I am nervous, I have no escape route for if my body decides to explode again. So I am sitting there, praying, hoping I am making the right choice to still get on this bus and go, and I am fiddling with the window, because it looks like it doesn't open. But after a few minutes I figure out how to work it and I thank God for it and immediately relax. On my list I am writing of God's gifts I see, I put one as windows that open and another is the ability to sleep while I am nauseous! I get the papers into the office and they tell me to come back on Monday to sit down with the guy that does it and see where to go from there. And here I have to thank Bener again, the police chief that went with me because he can talk to the people there and they will actually tell him what we need to do next. And until this morning, I was all pumped, but now I have run into a scheduling issue, someone wants to take me to court Monday morning, when I should be in port. So I am going to go work on figuring that issue out right now. God was in this day just as He was the day before. Some tougher stuff, but I am thankful for it too because I know it is all moving towards His purposes. Even the vomiting- because I didn't take my medicine because of it, or caffine, which I realized was good for going to that office because then I was less wired up and nervous when I had to talk to the people there! So yeah, even feeling crappy has its uses! Thank you Lord for another day in this adventure!

Operation VISA continues

Wow. Ok, so here is how my morning started out in my journal: Lord, here I am, opening up this space to you. 3 times I heard yesterday to make space for your beauty, your Grace, your miracles. Lord, here I am, open and excited to receive. I've struggled with the selfishness of this cause but Lord I think this is something you want to give me. So Lord, despite the fear of failure and getting let down- I'm opening myself up, opening up the opportunity for you to show out. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord for it All. I'm sorry Lord for when I stop even bothering to get a vase-so I want to stand here ready with the vase-confident in who You are. Lord I love you, thank you. (the vase is referring to the book 1000 gifts where her point of view was being shifted from -getting flowers, find a vase, to have a vase ready to receive the "flowers" or beauty, or grace, or miracles.) And can I just tell you THE LORD CAME THROUGH TODAY!!! or maybe I should say, I finally came through- I finally gave Him the space to show out, so He did!! And wow am I floored by it. So I said before I had loose appointments at 8,9,and 10. Well they became 8:30ish, 10:15ish, 11ish, most of the rest of the afternoon, and then 6:30 til 10:30ish, with then another event, not related to these events after that. But it was all so great that now I am writing about it instead of going to bed. Cause I need to give praise for stuff like this. I don't know if you know how difficult the correct paper is to get here, but in my experience, it usually isn't quick. Well I have 9 documents I need for this custody thing, I already had 4, and in ONE DAY, ONE DAY, I got all 5 of the rest of the documents I needed and now I will go back to Port tomorrow at 6am to hand them over so I can then jump through the next hoop! Valmy was a godsend today, he helped me with every single one of them, including staying up past his bed time to translate the last document into french for me. He made me cry this afternoon. I was kind of waiting for him to say something, but I went ahead and offered him a little money as a starter for all the help he had given me. I had wanted to at least take him to lunch or something for what he was doing, but there wasn't time, so I was going to give him some money for him to go eat. So I try to hand him some money and he asked me what I thought "help" was? He said when I am working I am working but when I am helping that is not work. 99 times out of 100 here, when someone wants to help me, they do so, and then ask for some "help" back. And although I know Valmy is a great guy, I figured he would want something out of this, I mean he gave up his whole morning. So yeah, I cried a little. Especially since money was kind of a sore spot for me right now. I was trying hard not to worry over it, but it was on my mind (not that I would mind giving Valmy money though, his help was totally worth all the money I have!) But speaking of which, after all of this day is over and I am recounting it here, I realize that when I was told yesterday to open up space, I see now it was also in terms of using up all my financial resources. And also there being a purpose for my money being tight right this minute. The first few documents were not expensive at all. But then the last one, was the one I had a 6:30pm appointment, and for two hours this guy, sat with me and he wrote Youvendjy's life history, in the dark, beside and empty pool in the back part of Bienet Social. So this guy is off the clock, came in special, didn't even start talking about money until halfway through. So I was like, oh no, this is going to be bad. And he does that thing where- well how much do you have? How much do you want to give me? So I was honest with him. I said I have about $150 american on me, and $49 at my house. And I owe someone 3000 Haitian dollars. And I don't know when more money will come. So he kept talking about how expensive this service was, and then finally said that $150 would not be enough for the right price for this service. He told me some numbers and then we kept working on the paper. And when it came up again I took out everything I had in my wallet and I gave it to him. (I had already bought my bus ticket for tomorrow). He sweetly gave me back 250gourdes so I would have a little cash on me. And I realized that if I had had anymore money, he would have taken it. I think that is one of the reasons I was not supposed to have a lot of money right now. I was going to have to give what I had, and since I didn't have a lot, I only had to give what I had. And then, as I was explaining to Valmy tonight the rest of these events because he had to go to class, I realize that I had that $49 left but that I didn't bring it with me and I am supposed to go to Port tomorrow. So then here comes the hand of God's provision through one of His children, Mr. Tim Hall. He stops me a while after I have this realization and he asks me if he can play daddy and puts $50 in my hand. There I go crying again. THank you Mr. Tim, I wish you knew how much you have blessed my heart and have really provided exactly at the right time. This is also pretty cool that one of my thank you's today was Mrs. Cruz's story of "the same $50!" I will tell that another time, but it just made me smile the way God is working and how exciting it is when I am actually paying attention and seeing it. Cause it is so intricate and beautiful. Wow, I am getting very long winded, and there is even more to tell, but those are sad parts that are not related to the VISA adventures really, they are separate so I think I will wait and talk about those tomorrow. So the short version is, GOD IS GOOD and I am so thankful that He is so willing to show me over and over. I am reminded of the story in the Bible where they had to build a room- man, I can't think of the whole thing, but it fits with this. I will look that up tomorrow on the bus! and will finish that thought later too! Thank you Lord for really showing out and thank you to the people that were a part of this day, I believe your prayers made this day happen. And I pray and ask you to pray for one more tomorrow! Port-au-Prince here I come! oh wow, in like 5 hours, Goodnight!!

Trip to Port for Letter of permission to travel

I thought today was a success...then I came home and translated the instructions they gave me. Now I am not sure-it's still good because i feel like I am moving in a direction, but the thing they are getting me to round up papers for is for temporary custody. If that gets me a letter of permission then that is good, but the fact that it is called temporary makes me nervous. So I decided to keep everyone posted on the events of this process so that my family can know all that I am doing to get this boy to them!!! hehe I left this morning at 5:30 on the bus and went to Port and met up with Hein's friend, who is also a police chief or something like that. He took me to the IBESR office where I asked for the letter. They said I needed this other paper, so I went to that part of the office and they gave me this list of documents I need to get temporary custody. Thankfully, i have most of these and the ones I need I HOPE will not be too hard to get. I decided to come on home to see if I could start working on them today. I got on the bus back to Gonaives and they had me sit in the front to the left of the bus driver. I flashed back to like 1st grade when I had to ride the bus home for the first time and Casey wasn't on there yet and I got scared, so the bus driver, Ms. Arthamay, let me stand behind her on the bus til Casey got on. Oddly enough, both this time and that, i was the only blanc on the bus! hehe So that was a fun adventure, chilling with the bus driver! But then there was a road block in L'Estere. SO we were sitting and sitting and waiting, and people started looking for other ways to get by. So what do I do? I walk my happy self through town in the middle of a manifestation. I have to tell you though, it was not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. Long stretches of nothing, then a line of rocks on the road, then a bus parked in the middle of the road. Then another line of rocks. Then a few more trucks blocking the road. Then a few people with branches, a few people with their faces covered, and a lot of people walking the opposite way as I was. Then a line of tires and a few broken bottles and a line of logs. And that was it. I saw one guy throw one bottle on the ground and that was it. I kinda thought it was lame. Anyways, then I hopped on a tap-tap and headed back to Gonaives. There I started working on these papers I need and every place said--tomorrow morning! So I have appointments at 8, 9, and 10 tomorrow, hopefully I will get what I need and be able to get back to port in a few days to see what is next on this scavenger hunt! Thank you for the prayers! We will see what tomorrow holds!

So I just read some of my old posts, no wonder they don't get many comments, I write dark stuff! What do you even say to that? I guess on here I just want to be real and raw and honest, and unfortunately that brings up some of the darkness of this place and some of the darkness in me. I am just so thankful that I serve a God of light that continually fights that darkness and amazing people around me who battle against it as well!

The upcoming part

So I was supposed to tell you what has been going on and what is coming up and I totally didn't even get to the-what's coming up part. So, for anyone bothering to read this, in case you didn't know, I have a kid. 5 years old, adorable, crazy little joker. God has put us together and we have been working out what being Mama and son looks like for the past couple of years. We have tried hard to exploit his cuteness on facebook--(don't worry, it's ok if you admit it) to raise funds to get him to the states for a visit with the rest of our family.(See adorable video on Facebook) and I have asked for help with it a couple of times. I realize that because he hasn't actually gotten there yet-- that could make one wonder--what's the deal?! Well the deal is getting a travel visa is a bit tricky. And I wanted to thank the people who have contributed so far to help me on the road to letting my little man meet his Papa Nic(my daddy). So far that money has gotten Youvendjy's passport, birth certificate, other paperwork I need to let the people know I do live here, a VISA appointment, and things like that. I just felt that I should put that out there because, in case you don't know, one of the hardest parts of doing what I do is being willing to take other people's money to get to do the things I get to do here. So that being said, it is really important to me for people to know that I really appreciate the support ya'll have shown Youv and I and I am trying very hard to make the best use of how ya'll invest in me and I really appreciate your support and prayers in allowing me the honor of introducing my son to all of my family stateside. So the coming up part is that I have a VISA appointment on August 1st. So I ask for your prayers for God's will to be done if it is the right timing for Youv to get to visit. I am nervous about the interview because I am not a good communicator, especially not in that setting, but I know that God has the power to do what He wants, and I ask for your prayers in it. Thank you so much, I am so excited even about the possibility of my worlds colliding and my son getting to meet the incredible people I have in my life.

Long Overdue

Ok Mrs. Shelby, you convicted me!!! Hehehe, and you too Hein! And you too Julie, and you too Kathy, and probably many others! So here I am! I had almost forgotten the password to this thing because it had been so long. What to they say about good intentions? Anyway, oh as usual there is just SO MUCH. I even have the sweatshirt to prove it, thanks to Casey! So here is the quick run down on what's been going on in my world and what is coming up. As usual, both good and bad flood the days. As I come back here I am reminded of my theme of beauty for ashes and that is definitely what I have been seeing here lately. Had some heart breaking times with people I care about, people I considered friends have made money more important than this community, but I know they see it completely different. Then in the middle of that I got sick. Surprise surprise, because God seems to show Himself greatest while I have my head over a toilet, bucket, or just the ground! (the cause of that being bacteria not spirits in case anyone is wondering) unless we mean spiritual spirits and then I don't know. . . wow that could go off somewhere different, Anyway, so I get sick, and as my usual stubborn self, I don't want to bother anyone. But thankfully Julie shows up and takes Youv off my hands (mad props to single mothers when they are sick? How do you do it??) Thank you to Julie, girl got peed on twice and heard uh-uuh probably seven zillion times. Then Natacha(Malta), Paulette, and Kimley's Mama saw me, told me my "face was broken" and proceeded to see what they could do for me. They were very much not a fan of me staying by myself and of me walking around the house without shoes on, but they went and got me ice, and helped me with some things around the house and told me they could come check on me later. And they did this time another lady came with them, I hate to say but I can't remember her name right now. Most adults to me are called --mama of__whichever child of their's I have in school__ not because I don't want to know, but there are a lot of people around here! Anyway, they got me some more ice and made sure I was ok. and said they would be back in the morning. The next day Brian sees me and apparently I looked like crap! So he sends me in to Cody and they spend the next two days taking care of me, fans, cold drinks, couch, thank you both for everything. So already starting to renew my faith in people(it gets smashed almost daily! hehe) and then BAM-- Malta tells me that her daughter, Tcheventchina, who is in our school, stopped everyone in the house and made them pray for me to get better. This is the one that barely talks. And maybe it should be normal for the kids you work with to want to pray for you, but man, I cried. Cause this wasn't done for show in front of class, or to me, but in her home, with her family, wanting to talk to the Lord on my behalf. And forget it being about me, most of our kids have trouble believing they can just talk to God, but then there we go, kids are talking to God! In their own words! Not the memorized prayers that they tend to lean so heavily on. And that my friends is not any of our doing, that is God working in this place even when I forget that He is bigger than all the issues of this community. So if that wasn't enough, blown away again this morning. Dieunide and Emmanuella came over and Dieunide told me about her son, Simon(Moise) getting a bible out and quieting the family down to pray. She said even though he can't read he was saying verses and verses. Then he asked God to help me heal so I would be ready for when school starts back and to give satan whatever sickness that was. And then, his little sister Magdala(Angela) apparently started talking and he told her to be quiet because Jesus was in this place! So thank you Lord, and all these people, for reminding me of the immense beauty there is in this place.