Jubilee

I really feel that the Lord has been protecting my heart since I have been here. I haven’t felt all there is to feel because if I did it would probably completely overwhelm me. I have been able to stay focused on teaching and working on the school and somehow not break down every time I see the feeding program. But then two days ago it hit me somewhat. I hear “I’m hungry” from enough well-fed looking adults that is starts to harden me about if people are really hungry- I can assume that they really are eating. The collision of this culture and American culture has created this thought that when they see a white person, they are supposed to ask them for something. So in my efforts to fight that thought- I have not given out anything- I tell them I came to teach, not to give things. It has been hard because my desire is to give everything I have- but I am learning that giving someone something is not always helpful to them. So in this journey to seek balance between not creating beggars, and also providing for those in need, I am really struggling to know how to go about it. So up until the other day, I would not give anything, my response when asked was that everything was for the school.

But then there is Daphne. She is twelve years old. She can’t go to school because her mom doesn’t have the money, and she is too old for our classes this year. I ended up starting a whole english class because I wanted her to be getting some sort of education. Then I also started to ask her to come and help out at the school- thinking even exposure to the few things we were doing would be good, plus having extra hands in the school would be extremely helpful. Since she was helping I justified giving her and two other ladies who were helping shirts that a group had donated. The shirt was too big for Daphne but she said she would give it to her mom. A few days later it started to turn cold. There were two babies whose hands and feet were so cold so I found two more of those shirts and wrapped them in them. After that I noticed Daphne looking kind of sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was mad. Eventually I pulled it out of her that she was mad at me. I think she sees that Marvins gets special treatment because he lives with Emory and Mary, as well as Kervins. In the middle of trying to figure out why she was mad at me, Predson sticks his head under the tin and starts talking to Daphne. Predson is around five years old and is in the school. He is crying and I am trying to figure out why. I had not known that Predson and Daphne are brother and sister. He is complety naked- which is not uncommon- but it is really cold today. So I tell him to come in the school and that’s when I get it out of them that their mom is not home, and hasn’t been able to give them food for two days. FOR TWO DAYS. and here I am, not giving them any food because I don’t want to start a “problem” of begging. What a jerk. What a huge jerk. I found some crackers and the left overs from an MRE and packed them up for them to take home. I put a shirt on Predson with the instructions that when he got other clothes to put on to give that shirt to Daphne. After they left I just broke down, in my compartmentalizing to protect my heart, I did not see a true need right in front of me. I know they are everywhere- and that I can’t fix everything- that so many people around me are hungry- I still don’t know what to do or how to mourn that and how to help and still be able to function here. I know I can immerse myself in my work and let it distract me completely- but I don’t want that. People need to hurt for these people, I need to share their burdens, not just enjoy all the blessings of this ministry. Twelve year olds shouldn’t have to wipe the tears from a naked five year old because he is hungry. But when it happens, some one else should hurt for them too.

But I also have to go on to say that thankfully it doesn’t end there. Our God is so big and so beautiful. As I sat here writing this, hurting all over again for them, Kervins sat down beside me and started talking about Daphne. He said that she had asked him for some of the cracker he was eating yesterday. He told me that he had said no- but then remembered that I had told him about them not eating- and then he gave her twenty Haitian dollars. Man. Thank you God. Thank you so much God!

So of course I start crying again - and Kevin, in true eleven year old fashion- decides to fart on me to make me stop crying! I guess this is how we do it Lord, we cry, we laugh, boys do disgusting things, we try our best to do what we can, we mess it up, we hurt, and we keep going, because our Hope is bigger than all of it.