Back and forth

So I didn't get to writing yesterday's adventures because I ended up falling asleep before 8pm! Also, I think I was still working out how God was using the events of that day! Because I know he is in the tough stuff too, I just wanted to see if I would find specific reasons for things in that day. So I woke up at 5 to get on the bus with my papers, and felt nauseous. I threw up a few times in the yard, and then my ride didn't show to take me to the station. Thankfully, Emory was up making coffee so I asked him if he would drive me up there, and as always he jumps at the chance to do for me, he is too good to me sometimes!! I get on the bus and I am nervous, I have no escape route for if my body decides to explode again. So I am sitting there, praying, hoping I am making the right choice to still get on this bus and go, and I am fiddling with the window, because it looks like it doesn't open. But after a few minutes I figure out how to work it and I thank God for it and immediately relax. On my list I am writing of God's gifts I see, I put one as windows that open and another is the ability to sleep while I am nauseous! I get the papers into the office and they tell me to come back on Monday to sit down with the guy that does it and see where to go from there. And here I have to thank Bener again, the police chief that went with me because he can talk to the people there and they will actually tell him what we need to do next. And until this morning, I was all pumped, but now I have run into a scheduling issue, someone wants to take me to court Monday morning, when I should be in port. So I am going to go work on figuring that issue out right now. God was in this day just as He was the day before. Some tougher stuff, but I am thankful for it too because I know it is all moving towards His purposes. Even the vomiting- because I didn't take my medicine because of it, or caffine, which I realized was good for going to that office because then I was less wired up and nervous when I had to talk to the people there! So yeah, even feeling crappy has its uses! Thank you Lord for another day in this adventure!

Operation VISA continues

Wow. Ok, so here is how my morning started out in my journal: Lord, here I am, opening up this space to you. 3 times I heard yesterday to make space for your beauty, your Grace, your miracles. Lord, here I am, open and excited to receive. I've struggled with the selfishness of this cause but Lord I think this is something you want to give me. So Lord, despite the fear of failure and getting let down- I'm opening myself up, opening up the opportunity for you to show out. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord for it All. I'm sorry Lord for when I stop even bothering to get a vase-so I want to stand here ready with the vase-confident in who You are. Lord I love you, thank you. (the vase is referring to the book 1000 gifts where her point of view was being shifted from -getting flowers, find a vase, to have a vase ready to receive the "flowers" or beauty, or grace, or miracles.) And can I just tell you THE LORD CAME THROUGH TODAY!!! or maybe I should say, I finally came through- I finally gave Him the space to show out, so He did!! And wow am I floored by it. So I said before I had loose appointments at 8,9,and 10. Well they became 8:30ish, 10:15ish, 11ish, most of the rest of the afternoon, and then 6:30 til 10:30ish, with then another event, not related to these events after that. But it was all so great that now I am writing about it instead of going to bed. Cause I need to give praise for stuff like this. I don't know if you know how difficult the correct paper is to get here, but in my experience, it usually isn't quick. Well I have 9 documents I need for this custody thing, I already had 4, and in ONE DAY, ONE DAY, I got all 5 of the rest of the documents I needed and now I will go back to Port tomorrow at 6am to hand them over so I can then jump through the next hoop! Valmy was a godsend today, he helped me with every single one of them, including staying up past his bed time to translate the last document into french for me. He made me cry this afternoon. I was kind of waiting for him to say something, but I went ahead and offered him a little money as a starter for all the help he had given me. I had wanted to at least take him to lunch or something for what he was doing, but there wasn't time, so I was going to give him some money for him to go eat. So I try to hand him some money and he asked me what I thought "help" was? He said when I am working I am working but when I am helping that is not work. 99 times out of 100 here, when someone wants to help me, they do so, and then ask for some "help" back. And although I know Valmy is a great guy, I figured he would want something out of this, I mean he gave up his whole morning. So yeah, I cried a little. Especially since money was kind of a sore spot for me right now. I was trying hard not to worry over it, but it was on my mind (not that I would mind giving Valmy money though, his help was totally worth all the money I have!) But speaking of which, after all of this day is over and I am recounting it here, I realize that when I was told yesterday to open up space, I see now it was also in terms of using up all my financial resources. And also there being a purpose for my money being tight right this minute. The first few documents were not expensive at all. But then the last one, was the one I had a 6:30pm appointment, and for two hours this guy, sat with me and he wrote Youvendjy's life history, in the dark, beside and empty pool in the back part of Bienet Social. So this guy is off the clock, came in special, didn't even start talking about money until halfway through. So I was like, oh no, this is going to be bad. And he does that thing where- well how much do you have? How much do you want to give me? So I was honest with him. I said I have about $150 american on me, and $49 at my house. And I owe someone 3000 Haitian dollars. And I don't know when more money will come. So he kept talking about how expensive this service was, and then finally said that $150 would not be enough for the right price for this service. He told me some numbers and then we kept working on the paper. And when it came up again I took out everything I had in my wallet and I gave it to him. (I had already bought my bus ticket for tomorrow). He sweetly gave me back 250gourdes so I would have a little cash on me. And I realized that if I had had anymore money, he would have taken it. I think that is one of the reasons I was not supposed to have a lot of money right now. I was going to have to give what I had, and since I didn't have a lot, I only had to give what I had. And then, as I was explaining to Valmy tonight the rest of these events because he had to go to class, I realize that I had that $49 left but that I didn't bring it with me and I am supposed to go to Port tomorrow. So then here comes the hand of God's provision through one of His children, Mr. Tim Hall. He stops me a while after I have this realization and he asks me if he can play daddy and puts $50 in my hand. There I go crying again. THank you Mr. Tim, I wish you knew how much you have blessed my heart and have really provided exactly at the right time. This is also pretty cool that one of my thank you's today was Mrs. Cruz's story of "the same $50!" I will tell that another time, but it just made me smile the way God is working and how exciting it is when I am actually paying attention and seeing it. Cause it is so intricate and beautiful. Wow, I am getting very long winded, and there is even more to tell, but those are sad parts that are not related to the VISA adventures really, they are separate so I think I will wait and talk about those tomorrow. So the short version is, GOD IS GOOD and I am so thankful that He is so willing to show me over and over. I am reminded of the story in the Bible where they had to build a room- man, I can't think of the whole thing, but it fits with this. I will look that up tomorrow on the bus! and will finish that thought later too! Thank you Lord for really showing out and thank you to the people that were a part of this day, I believe your prayers made this day happen. And I pray and ask you to pray for one more tomorrow! Port-au-Prince here I come! oh wow, in like 5 hours, Goodnight!!

Trip to Port for Letter of permission to travel

I thought today was a success...then I came home and translated the instructions they gave me. Now I am not sure-it's still good because i feel like I am moving in a direction, but the thing they are getting me to round up papers for is for temporary custody. If that gets me a letter of permission then that is good, but the fact that it is called temporary makes me nervous. So I decided to keep everyone posted on the events of this process so that my family can know all that I am doing to get this boy to them!!! hehe I left this morning at 5:30 on the bus and went to Port and met up with Hein's friend, who is also a police chief or something like that. He took me to the IBESR office where I asked for the letter. They said I needed this other paper, so I went to that part of the office and they gave me this list of documents I need to get temporary custody. Thankfully, i have most of these and the ones I need I HOPE will not be too hard to get. I decided to come on home to see if I could start working on them today. I got on the bus back to Gonaives and they had me sit in the front to the left of the bus driver. I flashed back to like 1st grade when I had to ride the bus home for the first time and Casey wasn't on there yet and I got scared, so the bus driver, Ms. Arthamay, let me stand behind her on the bus til Casey got on. Oddly enough, both this time and that, i was the only blanc on the bus! hehe So that was a fun adventure, chilling with the bus driver! But then there was a road block in L'Estere. SO we were sitting and sitting and waiting, and people started looking for other ways to get by. So what do I do? I walk my happy self through town in the middle of a manifestation. I have to tell you though, it was not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. Long stretches of nothing, then a line of rocks on the road, then a bus parked in the middle of the road. Then another line of rocks. Then a few more trucks blocking the road. Then a few people with branches, a few people with their faces covered, and a lot of people walking the opposite way as I was. Then a line of tires and a few broken bottles and a line of logs. And that was it. I saw one guy throw one bottle on the ground and that was it. I kinda thought it was lame. Anyways, then I hopped on a tap-tap and headed back to Gonaives. There I started working on these papers I need and every place said--tomorrow morning! So I have appointments at 8, 9, and 10 tomorrow, hopefully I will get what I need and be able to get back to port in a few days to see what is next on this scavenger hunt! Thank you for the prayers! We will see what tomorrow holds!

So I just read some of my old posts, no wonder they don't get many comments, I write dark stuff! What do you even say to that? I guess on here I just want to be real and raw and honest, and unfortunately that brings up some of the darkness of this place and some of the darkness in me. I am just so thankful that I serve a God of light that continually fights that darkness and amazing people around me who battle against it as well!

The upcoming part

So I was supposed to tell you what has been going on and what is coming up and I totally didn't even get to the-what's coming up part. So, for anyone bothering to read this, in case you didn't know, I have a kid. 5 years old, adorable, crazy little joker. God has put us together and we have been working out what being Mama and son looks like for the past couple of years. We have tried hard to exploit his cuteness on facebook--(don't worry, it's ok if you admit it) to raise funds to get him to the states for a visit with the rest of our family.(See adorable video on Facebook) and I have asked for help with it a couple of times. I realize that because he hasn't actually gotten there yet-- that could make one wonder--what's the deal?! Well the deal is getting a travel visa is a bit tricky. And I wanted to thank the people who have contributed so far to help me on the road to letting my little man meet his Papa Nic(my daddy). So far that money has gotten Youvendjy's passport, birth certificate, other paperwork I need to let the people know I do live here, a VISA appointment, and things like that. I just felt that I should put that out there because, in case you don't know, one of the hardest parts of doing what I do is being willing to take other people's money to get to do the things I get to do here. So that being said, it is really important to me for people to know that I really appreciate the support ya'll have shown Youv and I and I am trying very hard to make the best use of how ya'll invest in me and I really appreciate your support and prayers in allowing me the honor of introducing my son to all of my family stateside. So the coming up part is that I have a VISA appointment on August 1st. So I ask for your prayers for God's will to be done if it is the right timing for Youv to get to visit. I am nervous about the interview because I am not a good communicator, especially not in that setting, but I know that God has the power to do what He wants, and I ask for your prayers in it. Thank you so much, I am so excited even about the possibility of my worlds colliding and my son getting to meet the incredible people I have in my life.

Long Overdue

Ok Mrs. Shelby, you convicted me!!! Hehehe, and you too Hein! And you too Julie, and you too Kathy, and probably many others! So here I am! I had almost forgotten the password to this thing because it had been so long. What to they say about good intentions? Anyway, oh as usual there is just SO MUCH. I even have the sweatshirt to prove it, thanks to Casey! So here is the quick run down on what's been going on in my world and what is coming up. As usual, both good and bad flood the days. As I come back here I am reminded of my theme of beauty for ashes and that is definitely what I have been seeing here lately. Had some heart breaking times with people I care about, people I considered friends have made money more important than this community, but I know they see it completely different. Then in the middle of that I got sick. Surprise surprise, because God seems to show Himself greatest while I have my head over a toilet, bucket, or just the ground! (the cause of that being bacteria not spirits in case anyone is wondering) unless we mean spiritual spirits and then I don't know. . . wow that could go off somewhere different, Anyway, so I get sick, and as my usual stubborn self, I don't want to bother anyone. But thankfully Julie shows up and takes Youv off my hands (mad props to single mothers when they are sick? How do you do it??) Thank you to Julie, girl got peed on twice and heard uh-uuh probably seven zillion times. Then Natacha(Malta), Paulette, and Kimley's Mama saw me, told me my "face was broken" and proceeded to see what they could do for me. They were very much not a fan of me staying by myself and of me walking around the house without shoes on, but they went and got me ice, and helped me with some things around the house and told me they could come check on me later. And they did this time another lady came with them, I hate to say but I can't remember her name right now. Most adults to me are called --mama of__whichever child of their's I have in school__ not because I don't want to know, but there are a lot of people around here! Anyway, they got me some more ice and made sure I was ok. and said they would be back in the morning. The next day Brian sees me and apparently I looked like crap! So he sends me in to Cody and they spend the next two days taking care of me, fans, cold drinks, couch, thank you both for everything. So already starting to renew my faith in people(it gets smashed almost daily! hehe) and then BAM-- Malta tells me that her daughter, Tcheventchina, who is in our school, stopped everyone in the house and made them pray for me to get better. This is the one that barely talks. And maybe it should be normal for the kids you work with to want to pray for you, but man, I cried. Cause this wasn't done for show in front of class, or to me, but in her home, with her family, wanting to talk to the Lord on my behalf. And forget it being about me, most of our kids have trouble believing they can just talk to God, but then there we go, kids are talking to God! In their own words! Not the memorized prayers that they tend to lean so heavily on. And that my friends is not any of our doing, that is God working in this place even when I forget that He is bigger than all the issues of this community. So if that wasn't enough, blown away again this morning. Dieunide and Emmanuella came over and Dieunide told me about her son, Simon(Moise) getting a bible out and quieting the family down to pray. She said even though he can't read he was saying verses and verses. Then he asked God to help me heal so I would be ready for when school starts back and to give satan whatever sickness that was. And then, his little sister Magdala(Angela) apparently started talking and he told her to be quiet because Jesus was in this place! So thank you Lord, and all these people, for reminding me of the immense beauty there is in this place.

Ashes

So I stopped writing. I don't know if this is a momentary return or the start of a change, but I know that there is stuff in my head and for some reason this is where I came to unload it. I had stopped writing I believe because somewhere I went from seeing God giving beauty for ashes to the ashes burning so much in my eyes that I could no longer see the beauty. I still knew it was there, but couldn't see it so didn't know what to write about. Seems wrong to write about all the hurt and hardship until I am ready to acknowledge the beauty as well. Because i know it's there. So I just stopped. Well that plus becoming a mama also takes up about a million more hours of your time! hehe But as I sat at my desk this morning, I found it funny that God brought understanding to me from the same book of the Bible that I had found backup for when I was only seeing the ashes. Ecclesiastes. This book was the fuel for my flame in this, what's the point? no matter what you do, things won't change, life hurts and that is it. I tend to be all or nothing in what I do, so the idea of somewhere in between is hard for me. Or maybe black and white is better- right and wrong. But the problem with that is, that isn't how God operates. The point is to be with Him, so we can't have a rule book, we have the Holy Spirit. So an answer that is right, may only be right right now, and may be only be right for one person. "There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to run away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. The right answer changes for each new situation as the Holy Spirit guides us. God purposely made it so that we can't make up a playbook that shows us how to do life. Because that would ruin the point, relationship with Him. So I don't even remember where i was going with this, I believe what happened was that I got news today which blew lots of ashes in my eyes, and I wanted to call out to the beauty God gives. I want to remember it and find it even in the midst of the hurt. So I wanted to "say things outloud" My first thought was God-- why did you take one of our good mamas? And then it hit me, cause the ones that aren't good need more time here to find You. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it reminds me of what we are doing and why. My heart is still broken for the boys that lost their mama yesterday, but I can also rejoice in the time they had with her and who she has helped them to become so far. Lord please take care of these boys.